Proof of love

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I, recently, watched The end of the affair (1999) again (after ten years or so). Oh, it is beautiful when people can act… when they are able to fill up the screen with silence… and their silence is proof of their untold fears and desires. As I was watching the movie, I kept thinking: what is it about? Is it about jealousy? Is it about the heat of an affair? Is it about resisting through love? Resisting fear, pain, panic, misery, ugliness of war? And then God made her way into the script… I wish she had not. Because of that, though, I realized: it is about the proof of love. Can you prove love?

Is it the time you spend together?

Is it the time you spend apart…

waiting

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missing

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.longing.

Is it the words you say?

Is it how you touch her skin?

Or how you remember the smoothness of her skin?

Is it the things you do?

Is it sacrifice

Is it jealousy

excruciating pain

sleepless nights

hatred that bores a black hole in the center of your torso

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What is a prove for love?

I was looking for an answer, when I broke up from my last long-term relationship. I desperately was trying to prove that this love existed somewhere,

once

at some point in time

Otherwise I would need to declare myself a fool

I thought I was going crazy

I could not understand how this relationship could end in such a manner

… believe me, it was a nasty break up

Why is this person behaving as if he does not care?

Because he does not care anymore

But if he does not care now, how could he ever have cared before?

Did he ever love me?

What traces can love leave (except of scars)?

… I am being a bit overdramatic here

I

know

but I am allowed to

because I am Greek

and heartbroken

You know what a heartbroken Greek can do?

kill her children

No worries, I do not have children

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Was I just imagining everything?

My mental health depended on proving that he and I were in love

once

That this love existed

at some point

I was looking through facebook, reading his messages, looking at the photos

Aha!

He once send me this text by Sarah Kane

… you know the famous one

… the one that everyone who wants to pretend that they know their literature needs to send on Valentine’s day

…the one that ends “and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.”

Citing only the last part does not do the text much justice

I am truly sorry, Sarah

But I do not want to be just

I just want to prove that he loved me

So, there is the proof

It’s in the text:

“undying love for you”

He send me this text on Valentine’s day.

and?

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What now?

Do you feel any less pain?

No

Do you feel less hatred?

No

Do you feel more sane?

Yes

because at least I believed in something that was there…

Hmm

This is an interesting statement

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