Running late

NOw here is the thing

I was stressed

very stressed

strangers

people at shop counters

friends

were telling me

Calm down, you don’t need to be stressed

And I was saying

But I am not stressed

.

But I am not stressed

So I was stressed, I was overworked

I didn’t get into auditions

Our attempt to make a theatre group developed into a tragedy

So then I was stressed, anxious, overworked and disappointed

.

I had this incessant feeling of running

to be on time

to catch the bus

to get home and cook

to get off work

to meet my friends

.

I was constantly checking the time

and I was constantly late

.

I had this unceasing feeling that I didn’t have enough time

most importantly

I didn’t have enough time to work on the things that I really wanted to do

So I was constantly trying to make time

to make time

and catch up with a friend

to make time

and clean my apartment

to make time

and take a day off

to make time

and work on my art project

.

Some days I worked in 4 different places in Athens

and Oh Athens is a big city

yes

spending four hours a day in public transports makes you feel that you don’t have enough time

.

But what is this about?

feeling that I don’t have enough time

Is it the fear of death?

Hm, I don’t really think so

Yes, death makes me very very sad

Sometimes I think

that is a great moment

I am relaxed I am happy I am content

I love

I am loved

That is a great moment to die

and that would be totally fine

So I don’t think death is my problem

.

It is scheduled days and loneliness

I think that constantly scheduling and planing how a day, a week, a month should be spend makes people lonely

At least it makes me lonely

How so?

I don’t know yet

let’s talk about it later

So constantly planing, calculating, schueduling makes me feel that I don’t have enough time

How so?

That’s why schedules are there

So that I can fit the things I want or need to do in a specific amount of time

It doesn’t work for me

First of all I cannot estimate how much time I need to do a task

and that leads me to overloading myself with work

This can be solved easily

Admitting that I can do a lot less work in a day

and scheduling one task per day could be a solution

Ok that is solved, then

now that I have typed it into my blog

.

I want to described a very recent experience

So yesterday I woke up after a long good night’s sleep

I made coffee and sat in front of my lap top to study a little bit

I looked at the clock

Great! 45 min is a nice amount of time to do some relaxed morning reading before class

Wrong

it wasn’t

I started looking at the clock every ten minutes

How much am I going to get done before I need to go?

Oh I have just red two pages

What time is it?

Oh I need to get up and get dressed in ten minutes

Let’s see how much I will have read until then